I F***ing Love My Job

It's an awesome Monday, I'm feeling good, and I'll say it: I AM ABSOLUTELY F***ING IN LOVE WITH MY JOB.

I've always been a strong believer in this, and I've said it many times before: In order to be truly happy at what you do, you have to LOVE WHAT YOU DO, and you'll never ever have to drag yourself to work. Every weekday will feel like a vacation day.

That's why, I've always made sure I was passionate in what I did. That's why I loved my job when I was working as a Recruitment Consultant with BGC. I loved my job when I was a Recruitment Coordinator with Apple. Of course, there were times when I felt grumpy when I woke up in the morning, and times when I wished I could just take a sick day off, but I told myself that no matter how much you love your job, there's always bound to be days like these, right?

But you know what? I guess I never knew what true love is, because this is the first time in my life that I have this special feeling that I've never ever felt with any other employer before: I honestly, genuinely, wholeheartedly ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY JOB.

I can now confidently say that I am now feeling a kind of satisfaction and happiness with my job that I have never ever felt before. I literally feel that bounce in my steps when I go to work in the morning and I actually feel excited, not dreadful, when I think about the work I am going to face in the office.

While I used to groan about working over the weekends, I now actively and routinely check my work emails during the weekends, waiting for new emails to come in (I know this sounds like I'm bordering on being a workaholic, but rest assured I am not). The best indication that I now absolutely enjoy my job is that I actually LOOK FORWARD TO MONDAYS because that's when I get to continue doing what I love to do.

I now no longer understand the feeling of Monday Blues; it is a feeling far too foreign to me. (Except for the times when I forget it's a Sunday night and I accidentally game till 3am and then drag myself awake at 7am the next morning. Which happens way too frequently than it should but still... I enjoy Mondays. Kinda. After I get over my grogginess.)

I realise that not many people are as lucky as I am to be able to love a job this much, and I thank God for giving me this opportunity to be happy as I continue to grow and contribute at work.

The importance of loving your job is now even more paramount that I ever thought it was. If you do not love your job, I strongly advice you to work on it. Depending on your situation, you can:

1. Change your attitude towards your job. 
More often than not, it is not the employer that's the problem, but the employee. If you're lazy, incompetent and disinterested, you will never be happy no matter what you do.

2. Don't work because your boss tells you to. Work because you WANT to.
Not because your boss isn't dumb and he/she will be able to tell (but for the record: yes, they WILL be able to tell). But rather, because you'll be happier doing it, and more often than not, you'll find yourself going the extra mile to get shit done. You'll be happy, your boss will trust you more, and you'll be happy that your boss trusts you, you'll be encouraged to work harder and better, your boss gets happier and trusts you even more, you're trusted to handle more hardcore stuff (or get more responsibilities, a raise, or a promotion, whatever), yadda yadda, and the circle of happiness will go on and on until you achieve work nirvana (LOL ok the last part was JK).

3. Think hard about what you love, where your interest lies, and what you're really good at.
If your current job isn't what you love, try talking to your manager to see if you can be assigned to tasks that are more aligned to your interests, or if there is any opportunity for you to move laterally to another role.

On the other hand, sometimes, our personal interests doesn't align with our professional strengths. If you find great satisfaction at work doing something you know you're really good at (even though you have no particular personal interest in it), and you're happy doing it, you're good to go.

4. Consider your work environment.
If your work environment is a toxic one, get out of there ASAP. A happy place to work is a place where there is mutual trust, no micro-management, and a healthy culture.


If you haven't found your work-love, I hope you'll find it one day. For me, this isn't work-life balance anymore, this is work-life integration. And that, I think, is what real happiness at work is.

P.S.: The reason why I love my job is a different story altogether which I won't really be mentioning here, as it will involve talking about the company, the job, etc. Not sure if I'd be breaching privacy policy there, so I'll rather err on the side of caution. But generally speaking, I guess it all boils down to the company's awesome culture and core values. =) 

How to be Happy During the Weekends - Part 2

Yoohoo! It's been 5 months since my last post (so much for resolving to write at least once a week LOL), but I guess I really am not the disciplined type.

Soooo...

I know in the past I've written a lot about making the most out of your weekends, going to bed early (for an early, fresh, and happy start the next morning), being happy at work, and how being happy sometimes takes more effort than you'll expect (mentioned in one of my previous blog entries, "How to be Happy During the Weekends").

In the past weeks, I guess I kinda failed to do what I preached. I'd fallen into a rut. It all started out when I got my new iPad Mini 3 months ago, and I started installing games on it. I'd gotten slightly addicted to my new toy and I spent the following weekend purchasing and playing games on my iPad (Sproggiwood is AWESOME btw; best $12 I ever spent!).

That weekend, I went against everything I preached: I went to bed late, slept in till past noon, didn't put in any effort at all to be doing anything productive, and IT WAS FANTASTIC.

And then along came Monday, and instead of feeling like I wasted the entire weekend away doing absolutely nothing, I went to work on Monday morning feeling energetic and satisfied that I had allowed myself to slip into laziness over the weekend.

It was so easy to not have to put effort into planning the agenda for the weekend, and just like that, every single weekend from then on was the same.

3 months on, I feel lousy. I've gotten so used to not doing anything productive during the weekends that I find that I cannot even begin to think of what else I could do to fill my weekend with meaningful stuff.

In order to get myself back up, I decided I should start by doing something productive, yet simple: Writing.

Hence, this post.

I guess these past months have taught me something about balance: It is good to be disciplined and to put in proper effort to make the days count, but sometimes, you have to take a break and give yourself a "do nothing" day: If you have been having a hectic schedule recently, try it - it's refreshing.

On the other hand, it is also important to remember that it's all too easy to get addicted to these "do nothing" kind of days. Speaking from experience, I think it's good to maintain a proper balance between the laze-at-home-doing-nothing type of weekends and the plan-productive-activities-to-make-the-weekends-count kind of weekends.

Sorry this is a short one, I'm just about getting into the momentum again - still half-stuck in the laze-at-home-doing-nothing mood.

Don't worry; I'll come around. =) 

Life Hack: Make your weekday mornings feel like weekend mornings.

It's Friday again, and what better day to start learning a new life hack specially for your work life? Before you guys go "yay the weekend is here!" why not think about this question: How do you start your weekday? Getting out of bed, getting dressed and being ready for work? What's the first thing on your mind? Work responsibilities? Things you have to do when you get to the office? 

Most of us live by every single weekday of our working life with the purpose of waking up in the morning to go to work. 

Well what if I told you, the reason you had to wake up in the morning every day (yes even on weekdays) is because the day has started, and the day doesn't have to start with work? 

Think about what you do when you wake up on the weekends. Would you, on lazy occasions, roll around in bed a bit more? Would you get out of bed calmly, stroll to the bathroom for a long hot shower before preparing yourself and enjoying a leisurely breakfast? After that, maybe start your day by reading the news, getting dressed, or doing whatever you like to do in the mornings. 

What if I told you those could be your weekdays too? 

What if you didn't have to calculate the time you need in the mornings to the second, and wake up just in time to wash up (5 minutes) get dressed (15 minutes) and have a rushed breakfast (10 minutes tops) before leaving for work? 

I used to make the most out of the least amount of time on work mornings, because I would sleep in till the latest time possible for me to still not be late for work. Every morning when I pressed the snooze button, I made mental calculations (yes, making mental calculations while snoozing lol). "If I snooze for another 10 minutes, that would leave me 20 minutes before I leave the house, and I can probably do that if I skip breakfast. Ah what the heck, I'll snooze for another 15 minutes and I'll skip my make up routine too." 

The problem was, by the time I started my day, I was already in a rushed mood and that resulted in my weekday morning routine going something like this: "I must do this within 10 minutes, I must do that within 5 minutes, oh great, I've got another 2 minutes to spare, let me just quickly do my hair. Awesome, it's now 7.27am; I must leave before 7.28am if I don't want to miss the bus."  

There was no time left to spare, every single minute counted, from the time i got out of bed till the time I stepped out of the house. 

 

Then, recently, I decided to stop the vicious cycle of going to bed late the night before, and barely getting out of bed on time the next morning, being rushed to work, and all the 'me' time I have left went down the drain. 

For the past week, I had been going to bed early, and getting out of bed 1 hour earlier than I used to. The result? I had all the time in the world. 

I took long hot showers, took the time in picking my outfit, made myself breakfast, and actually gave myself time to savor it instead of gobbling it down (or, in some cases, skipping it altogether). After a nice hearty 30 minute breakfast, I started get dressed for work. By the time I was doing so, it didn't feel like the day had just startrd, and it definitely didn't feel like I was waking up only to fall into the "get ready and get dressed for work" routine, since I already started and enjoyed my day before getting ready for work come into my mind. 

I wasn't mentally exhausted and bogged down by the idea of work in the mornings, and that translated to having chirppier mornings, feeling less reluctant to drag myself out of bed for work, and the best part was that I started my day as I would if it were the weekend. 

And you know what? I am starting to enjoy my work mornings more and more. 

You'd better have figured life out by now.

Most of us go through life's motions without really putting much effort in figuring ourselves out, because "I will have it all figured out when I hit my 30's / when my career stabilises / when I get married / when I have financial stability.

If you have got life all figured out, good for you. But if you have not, it's time to start.

You definitely do not want to be this guy.

For the past 25 years of my life, I'll admit that I've never really felt grown up nor felt like I knew what I wanted in life. I kept giving myself excuses: I'll figure it out when I enter university. I'll figure it out when I graduate. I'll figure it out when I've gained at least 2 years of working experience. I'll figure it out when I am financially stable. I'll figure it out when I get my next job promotion. I'll figure it out when I'm married. I'll figure it out before I hit my 30's.

I have not been always so sure. I had been drifting around not knowing what I was doing. I wasn't saving any money, I wasn't progressing anywhere in my career, and I kept telling myself that I was young and I had time. I kept procrastinating.

Sometimes I feel like my life has progressed so much without me even realising it.  With my 25th birthday looming round the corner (as of tomorrow, I'm officially a quarter century old), my current career status being paused in limbo (I am still deciding where I want to go when my contract with Apple ends), and my recently having taken up a joint house loan with the boyfriend, this whole life thing has been weighing on my mind lately. Have I got life all figured out?

I am proud to say that for the first time in my life, I  do know what I want, for the most part. Am I sure? No, but at least I know what I want, I know where I am going (more or less), and I know what I am doing. Will things change along the way? Maybe. That's what makes life an exciting adventure, because you're never sure what's coming next. But that doesn't mean you don't plan.

Those sappy articles on Elite Daily and Thoughts Catalogue telling you that it's okay not to have figured life out, that its okay to take things one at a time? It's bullshit fed by one immature writer to another fellow immature reader who want to believe it's okay not to be progressing in life.

"It's okay to not have my life figured out, because everyone around me hasn't either."

Reality check: No, its not. The earlier you figure your life out, the better.

1. Find out what you want
When I was in my teens and early twenties, what I wanted was to prove myself to my parents. I felt like I was being treated like a kid, and I wanted badly to prove myself worthy to be an adult. I strove for success and I worked damn hard because I wanted to climb the corporate ladder, have a nice cushy job, and earn a 5 figure pay check as early in life as I could, all just because I wanted to prove my parents and make them shut up about my immaturity and incapability. 3 years of working experience taught me that the point of success isn't to prove anything for anyone else, because how others saw me wasn't as important as what made me happy.

I thought what I wanted was lots and lots of money. I allowed ideas of success to be fed into my head: Success is earning so much excess money that you can buy whatever you want, go for holidays, and pamper yourself to a luxurious lifestyle which you can then use it to show off to family and friends. Success is being high up in the rat race and being respected by the corporate world.

With a potential life partner on the way, I realised I wasn't only planning for my future, but for a future with someone I am going to share my life with. I realise now that what really makes me happy is not an unlimited supply of money and living the fast and classy life. All I want, to be really happy, is to be financially comfortable to be able to do what I want to do, to build a family of my own, and to have adequate finances to be able to retire young and healthy.

2. Set your goals.
Everyone has different goals. Know what they are, and make calculated decisions along the way to achieve it. Make calculated decisions about your finances and your career, because those decisions will bring you to where you want to be.

For example, my career goal is to do something fulfilling that aligns with my interest in HR. My life goal, on the other hand, is to be able to earn, invest, and save up enough money to be able to retire by 30, so that I will be able to spend all my time doing more meaningful things, such as spending time with the people I love and giving my future kids the love and attention they deserve. I don't expect to be filthy rich by then, but that's just me. I am not looking for a luxurious lifestyle, just one that allows me to live comfortably while enjoying life.

Some people want to travel and see the world. Some want to be respected and well known in the corporate world. Others want to volunteer full time in non-profit organisations. Others, yet, want to be filthy rich and pamper themselves to all earthly pleasures.

Know what you want, and make sure that it is REALLY what you want, not what society says you should have.

3. Work your way to achieving it.
Once you have set your mind to what you want, plan how you want to get there. Are you making proper financial choices? Are you on track with your career path / advancement? Are you happy with where you are now? If you are not, make the changes necessary to achieve your goal.

4. Don't forget to enjoy the now.
For the past 25 years of my life, I had been working hard and I was so focused on looking forward to the promised future fruits of my hard labor that I never took the time to appreciate where I already was. Don't be so blinded by your future goals that you forget what you have already achieved, lest you find that life has passed you by and you never really took the time to appreciate or celebrate it. That's what happened to me for the past 25 years. Don't make the same mistake I did.

Even though you have plans for the future, don't ever forget to enjoy the now. Yes, you have set your plans and you know where you want to be in 10 years, but you are now also where you are you wanted to be 10 years ago. Aren't you going to enjoy that as well?

Know what you want, set your goals, achieve it. All while enjoying the achievements that you already have.

Go your way and figure your life out. I know I have, and from the looks of it, it's a comfort to know that my future seems promising. =)

Work-Life Balance? How about Work-Life Harmony?

"Make your work part of your life, and there’s nothing wrong with that."

As someone who is experienced in the recruiting game, I believe there are two kinds of people in the workforce: People who demand work life balance and are constantly stressed over how their work is taking over their lives, and people who welcome work into their lives and allow work to be part of their lifestyle.

Can you really say "workaholics" don't have a life, when, really, their jobs are part of who they are, as much as their hobbies and interests and family and relationships?

I came across an article on written by one of my ex-clients, and it resonates so much with me that I felt the need to share it here today.

Originally posted by Jake Chen on Linkedin:

How to get work-life balance without asking for it

I hear you. Work-life balance. We all want that. A good balance of different parts in life makes us whole. But ask for it the wrong way, and you risk sounding like a whining child not wanting to accept your adult responsibilities.

So how can you get work-life balance, without asking for it?

1. Stop the balancing act
Even as a topic that consistently tops the charts in employee happiness surveys, talent attraction laws, work motivators and the likes, I think work-life balance is a little old-fashioned. This is a connotation that work is bad and life is good; that work begins in the morning and ends in the evening, where life takes over.

I’d like to think of it as work-life harmony, and to bring the two together means you will have to start connecting the dots. We want to enjoy life because it is meant to be interesting, adventurous, and meaningful. So go get yourself a job that gives you the same satisfaction you'd derive from life. If you love adventure, an outdoors job may suit you better than an indoors one. Do things you're passionate about, that itself will give meaning to your job, and remember that being great doesn't happen only in the day.

Or choose to play to your strengths and weaknesses. Some people choose jobs that they’re naturally good at. This raises their self-esteem. Have you ever had that one relative or friend, who just can’t stop talking about their jobs with brimming enthusiasm? Others go down the route of selecting jobs which stretches them and forces them out of their comfort zones. And that becomes a personal challenge in which they strive to grow every day. Make your work part of your life, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

2. Stay focused
There are so many aspects of life that we need to manage, and there will be times we get thrown off track. When things get messy, work becomes the convenient scapegoat. It becomes easy for us to blame work for sucking the life out of us.

One way of staying focused is to think about one thing at a time. Sounds much simpler than it actually is. The dynamism and unpredictability of today’s environment makes it hard for us to do that. We are constantly prioritizing, re-prioritizing, and over prioritizing. Stop thinking and start doing! It is liberating when you start to pick up pace, and the more you do, the shorter the list becomes, and the clearer your mind is.

3. Set a performance driven culture
In raw form, this means I don't care how much time or effort you spend, I just want the job done. Employers love performance driven cultures because they want results, period. So much so that companies have offered solutions like working from home, flexible hours, unlimited vacation (provided you deliver), no-KPI structure, you have seen it all happened.

To the employee, this is simple math. If you wanted more time for personal pursuits, make sure you work twice as hard - in half the time. Take ownership of your goals and prove that you will do whatever it takes to deliver results, on time. Better yet, ahead of time.

It's an all-win situation when this culture starts to create a workforce that is primed for results rather than one which exists to chalk up hours. So if you haven’t, start drawing up your work targets according to what you want to achieve, not what you need to do.

4. Build relationships
You are not perfect. You are not the best in everything. You do not know it all.

Having friends and networks that you can rely on is critical to your effectiveness at work. Organizational goals today are contemporary and complex, read: it cannot be achieved through solo effort. You will often need someone else’s skill, knowledge, or expertise to push your agenda. This will call upon your ability to inspire and motivate people to run according to your pace. Remember, you are trying to get to your objective as quickly as possible so that you can have more work-life balance.

Start building relationships. This should be one of the very first things you do in the workplace. Building relationships do not start and end with a handshake. It is about showing appreciation, encouraging one another, making yourself available for others first, being interested, being genuinely involved and treat others’ problems as though they were your own. People do not care how much you know, until they know how much you care.

5. Work for Google
If all else fails and you can’t find work life balance, work for Google. It’s in their job description. No, it's their way of life.

Do you have work-life balance? To me, there's no such thing. I have work-life harmony.

Have a great weekend ahead! =D 

How to be Happy During the Weekends

You may be asking, why am I writing about something that people already automatically feel happy about? It's a no brainer that by default, people will be happy during the weekends. Why the need to write about it?

Do you feel exhausted on Sunday evenings? Do you feel like your whole weekend was wasted sleeping in late and not doing much? Then you're not using your weekends wisely, and your weekends are probably not as happy as they could be.

Here are some simple steps that may be hard to follow, but do them well, and you'll find that your Mondays will suddenly not seem that blue anymore.

1) First things first, what to do: Spend your weekend doing 'pointless' things that aren't pointless.

There's a quote on my WhatsApp status that I have been using for years, and I still somewhat live by it:

It is meant to be satire, but isn't that the basis of most people's opinions about weekends? 

About two months ago, I bought a book titled What the Most Successful People do on the Weekend by Laura Vanderkam. It was a short read - and needless to say, most points were already things we know - but it reminded me yet again how important the weekends (or rather, our days off) are, and how we can really get down to enjoying them. 

To me, living a completely pointless weekend is not about doing things that are completely pointless - its about doing 'pointless' things that gives us satisfaction. 

Take for example: Tom spends his weekend at home watching dramas. Dick spends his weekend playing online video games. Harry spends his weekend going rock climbing. 

All three of them did 'pointless' things; none of those things could have in anyway added value to them, at least not economically. However, come Monday, who do you think felt more refreshed? Tom and Dick, who spent no effort at all planning their weekends? Or Harry, who spent the effort planning for the rock climbing trip (booking the rock climbing studio, preparing the equipment, driving out) and then enjoying the process of it?

As for me, my weekend pointless activities include: Sewing, reading, and binging on dramas (oops, I guess some bad habits are hard to die). 

2) Earn more time by getting out of bed early.

Ideally, you might want to try getting out of bed about the same time you do on weekdays, but unless you are super disciplined, you and I both know that's close to impossible to happen. Still, many of us have the habit of sleeping in till like, noon, because "IT'S THE WEEKEND!".

Try waking up earlier than your usual weekend (and don't snooze!), say, 9am, and go for a nice breakfast (or maybe even cook your own!) before you start your day. You'll suddenly find that you have more time on your hands, which translates to a longer weekend, and you'll wonder why you ever done this sooner. 

3) Now that you've got more time on your hands, it's time to plan your weekend ahead.

It's easy to not plan. How often have we told ourselves: "It's the weekend, let it happen. When the time comes, I'll just do what I want to do when I want to do it," but when the end of the weekend comes, we never actually got around to doing anything?

Part of the joy is from anticipation. When you plan a weekend event, you start to anticipate it. It will make your work week more meaningful, as you know you are looking forward to something at the weekend. When it finally comes, the satisfaction is great.

I'm not saying you should plan every single piece of your time of your entire weekend, but make a rough guide. For me, I usually choose two things to do per day: Two activities on Saturday, and two activities on Sunday. That way I get to still do other stuff in between, and even if I don't manage to do all activities (say, I only managed to do two out of the four activities planned), I still feel happy and fulfilled. 

4) Stick to your plan.

I'll admit that sometimes I tend to fall into the temptation of doing away with the plan and resort to lazing around at home. Why would I want to make the effort getting dressed and taking the time to travel out to do whatever it was I had planned, when I could easily spend my weekend napping and watching drama sitcoms? When times like this do happen (and it will), ask yourself, when Sunday evening looms around the corner, would you want to look back on your weekend and tell yourself "Ah... I'm exhausted but boy, did I enjoy myself this weekend!" or will you say "Man, all I did was mope around sleeping and scrolling through Facebook"?

5) The dreaded Sunday evening!

I used to dread Sunday evenings, especially when I felt like I haven't done anything all weekend and it's just gone. I would feel lousy and would start binge watching dramas till late at night, and guess what? It just made me feel worse on Monday morning. 

There isn't a secret formula of what to do and what not to do on a Sunday evening, but generally you want to relax and unwind. Take your mind off work!! Think back to how you spent your weekends, and the highlights of it. Enjoy a nice dinner to finish off the awesome weekend you had, and maybe do something relaxing and mindless like reading a book or even doing the laundry. 

Tell yourself that it was a great rejuvenating weekend and now you're refreshed and ready to face Monday again, because you're just that awesome. 

FAQ

Q: What if I really feel like having a lazy weekend? What if I actually wanted to spend my weekend sleeping in, binging on dramas in my sweatpants, and eating delivery pizzas? 

A: Well, isn't that a plan! If you feel like you need a break from those "fruitful weekends", do it! Just be sure not to fall into the same routine every single weekend, and then you'll be stuck in the same rut and going back to feeling lousy on Sunday nights and Monday mornings. 

Q: Seems like the weekend is dedicated to putting in the "life" in "work-life balance". What if I have to work on weekends? Some of us bring our work laptops home because we have work/projects to attend to and deadlines to meet. 

A: Plan for it! Just as how you would plan your weekend activities, make your work one of them. Plan a time for it, then when the time comes, sit down and focus on it. Don't procrastinate, don't put it off. Once you're done, you'll be off to your next activity and you would have already offloaded work off your chest. You'll tell yourself "Phew, I've done it and my work is done for the weekend!" Best part of planning work into your weekend is, you get your work done and you won't have work bugging you in the back of your head for the entire week. 

Q: Help, I tried planning my weekends but I never had the discipline to follow through! I'm now spending my weekend feeling miserable and lousy. 

A: Don't be too hard on yourself, everyone fails once in a while. Don't stress yourself and don't blame yourself for it, or you'll just be spending your weekend moping around in self-loathe. Just take it easy and try again next weekend. 

Q: I've got a question and it's not listed here. 

A: This isn't a guide book. The weekend is your own to spend, just remember to make it count. 

Tata, you are dearly missed.

This post is dedicated to my late grandfather. Though for the most part unrelated to the general idea of this blog, but I still think I'd like to give tribute here.

How do you even start writing about something so raw like that? 

I guess I'll start when it all happened. I was just leaving the office last night, when I received a phone call from my mum. I heard her said matter-of-factly: "did you know that Tata (that's how I address my paternal grandfather) passed away earlier this evening?" 

"Oh." 

The sentence kind of registered in my head but then it sort of also didn't. How do you even respond to something like that? This is the kind of thing that usually happens to people on TV, not in real life. I guess at the age of 96, everyone kinda saw it coming. Heck, the moment he turned 90, I was already subconsciously prepared. More or less, I guess. 

But then again, he was healthy. How do you expect a perfectly healthy person to just... die? 

You don't. 

I don't even remember the first thought that came to my mind anymore, when I first received the news on the phone. 

I was dumb founded and while my mum was rattling on about how it all happened (he fell sick, not sick sick, but some mild discomfort in breathing and just didn't get better) and discussing logistics (when I should take a flight home, how many days I should be expecting to be away from work, etc) all I could think of was a jumble of thoughts: 

"I just met him last month. He used to buy small toys and playthings for me when I arrived home from kindergarten. He occasionally bought me slurpees from 7-eleven because he knew it was my favorite beverage. I used to playfully hit him when he greeted me after the school bus dropped me off. Heck, I just visited him last fucking month and he was perfectly healthy and he was talking to my boyfriend and he seemed so happy. And being the perfect granddaughter I had almost decided against visiting him because I dreaded waking up early and taking the 1 hour drive to visit him. All because I had rather sleep in on a nice weekend than pay my own grandfather a visit. Because I was just effing lazy. What if I acted on impulse? What if I decided not to visit that time? Would I regret it for life? 

I wished I had talked to him more when I had the chance. I wished I had talked to him more when he called. I wished I wasn't too busy working and conveniently "forgot" to call. Cliché regrets, yes, but it's true. Oh gawd, what if my parents were suddenly gone? Wouldn't I regret it even more? Oh, I would regret it so much I'd want to kill myself." 

My thoughts were spiralling. Externally, I was stoic. I was quiet throughout my ride home, and when I arrived home, I went straight to my laptop, booted the MMORPG I had been addicted to lately and started playing. 

I didn't know what else to do.

I'm flying home tomorrow morning, and now finally taking the time off my hectic work, I am finally able to come to terms with my own thoughts and pen them down.

Its bizarre, the kind of weird insignificant things that you remember most. 

I remember when he'd comfort me when my parents were the "bad guys" who made me cry. I remember he'd buy candy and small playthings for me when I came home from school. I remember him buying me Slurpee and I held my hands around the cup and he told me not to do that because I'd melt the ice faster and I thought he was so smart for knowing stuff like that. I remember when he told me his story of how he, as a young boy, took the scary ride from China all the way to Malaysia, had to hide from bombs and Japanese soldiers, and had to drink dirty water from drains when he was thirsty. I remember when he bought me two yellow fluffy chicks as pets and I remember him teasing me that he would kill and eat them when they grew into adult chickens and I ran to my room to hide my tears because I didn't want him to know he had hurt my feelings. I remember when he'd feed me lunch when I was too busy watching cartoons to feed myself. I remember how I made him wear one of my girly earrings on his old ear piercing hole which never closed up properly. I remember how I hit his buttocks when he said he wanted to poop, because I wanted to make the poop sensation go away. I remember how I pranked him by scattering  "pop-pops" (mini explosives that "pop" when thrown on the ground or stepped on) on the ground so that he would get a shock when he'd unknowingly step on them later. 

I also remember, more recently, how he would occasionally call me on the phone and I would be keeping the phone between my head and my shoulder and having half my attention elsewhere doing something "more important". I remember how he wanted me to visit and I almost didn't all because I wanted to sleep in. Despite how much he wanted to connect with me, I was too busy for him. I remember how, ever since I came to Singapore, I stopped noticing him grow older and more fragile. 

Somehow the relationship seemed like it was just on a pause, it always seemed like someday the good old times would resume, only now, it never will. Never again being able to speak to the person whom you had abruptly disconnected with without even realising it. How do you come to terms with that? 

You can't. That doesn't mean you don't get consolation. I am happy knowing that he led a meaningful and fulfilling life, blessed with 8 children and 20 grandchildren and 14 great grandchildren (and counting). I am happy knowing that I will always have the memories with me. I am happy to know that he loves me, and I love him.

Tata, thank you for giving me a wonderful childhood. You will be dearly missed.